How To Fall Like a Goober

Allow me to illustrate my ineptitude with falling, which I think comes from my general ungainliness as a human being.

Cue six-inch-thick mats, cue friend for supervision, cue every-dang-thing that would make a normal person feel safe about falling. And enter me, being instructed to fall.

SHIRLEY (With a look of constipated concentration plastered on her sweating face, she mentally prepares her body and self to fall backwards. She folds carefully into as much a right angle as humanly possible. Deliberately, slowly, she wills her body to rock backwards to minimize any chance of injury. What she doesn’t expect, though, is for the momentum to rock her contorted body back-and-forth. She teeters like an up-ended turtle on the mat.)

The other scenario is me entirely locking out my legs and literally landing full on my ass.

Either way, I look like a moron cause I don’t trust myself to fall properly. I always imagine me snapping some bone in my body because of some unforeseen reason.

I haven’t learned how to fall properly in my life.

Well that’s kind of a lie, because I’ve willingly jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 ft. and would do it again, no questions asked.

But I┬ádon’t like bouldering more than four feet off the ground because any higher and I’m literally paralyzed with anxiety. I don’t trust ladders because I don’t believe that rickety rungs will hold my weight. And I most definitely do not trust people during trust exercises. (There is, like, literally no real-life application to that exercise. C’mon now.)

I don’t think I’ve been taught how to properly fall. Is that even something you actively teach to a child?

I believe, though, that the first step in trusting other people or shady ladders is learning to trust yourself. Trusting in yourself to be strong enough to handle pain and being able to rebuild from whatever happens.

This is why I was able to invert myself for a headstand. Even though I was deathly afraid of snapping my spine. I do not know where my fear of breaking bones comes from. I’ve never broken anything in my life. (Except hearts. Ba dum tsss.)

We made it through Monday guys. Only the rest of the week to go. [Insert forced enthusiasm here.]